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Marriage 911
Posted: April 6, 2011 in FamilyTags: Alcoholics Anonymous, Anger, Best effort delivery, Christian, Health, Lord, Marriage, Organ (anatomy)
Dr. Hawkins is the director of The Marriage Recovery Center for couples in distress.
Learn more by visiting Dr. Hawkins’ website at www.yourrelationshipdoctor.com
Conflict occurs in the best of marriages. Though I feel blessed to be in a healthy marriage, Christie and I are not without our times of tension. We have to practice all the tools and skills I write about in this column.
Many falsely believe if they are Christians, smart, educated, or special, they won’t have conflict in their relationship. They think since they love the Lord and pray regularly, they are somehow immune to conflict. Sadly, they are often disappointed.
While I have yet to find a way to get around it, we will experience conflict. However, I have also found many strategies to help maintain unity and cooperation, which is our calling as Christians, even during these periods of conflict. Rather than share “fair fight skills,” which are questionable at best, I’d like to share tools to practice before you experience conflict. I believe efforts taken before conflict occurs are as valuable as tools used after conflict has erupted.
Consider this fact: conflict often occurs when we are at less than our best. Conflict usually happens when we are stressed out, uptight, pressured, experiencing financial issues, and our defenses are down. Since we know this, it makes sense for us to be on guard against those times and make provisions for them.
The following acronym, H.A.L.T. is borrowed from the Alcoholics Anonymous program, and has much to teach all of us. Consider your particular situation and see if conflict doesn’t occur more often when you are experiencing one of these.
H—Hungry
It makes sense that when we are too hungry, we are not at our best. Our brains are sluggish and our bodies are craving nourishment. Our blood system lacks the nutrients it needs to fuel our vital organs. Thus, it makes sense not to engage in any heated issues when we are under-nourished.
A—Angry
Many seem insistent on engaging in conflict when they are angry. Yes, I understand that the issues themselves or perhaps your mate’s response to certain issues, are the very reason you are angry. Yet, anger does nothing to help you deal with issues effectively. Quite the contrary; anger causes you to feel tense and irritable. Anger causes you to see things more narrowly with a “closed” point of view. Anger causes you to say things you wouldn’t ordinarily say. Don’t engage in any charged discussion when angry. Call a “time out” and resume discussions when you are calm and clear-headed.
L—Lonely
When lonely, we are often dispirited and not in a mood compatible with discussing “high voltage” issues. When lonely we often feeling rejected, abandoned, and are more apt to be overly sensitive. Dealing effectively with relationship issues requires that we feel connected to our mate and are engaging in conflict for the purpose of healing some issue. When you are feeling lonely, it is better to stay away from heated issues.
T—Tired
There is perhaps no worse time to engage in conflict than when tired. With limited energy, our heightened propensity to irritability and impatience exacerbates our down moods. As with anger, when tired, we are prone to overreact to words spoken to us, take up an offense over trivial matters, and take a “position” will very probably prove damaging. Things always look better in the morning when we are fresher. There is merit in the often-heard advice to “sleep on it”. Try to avoid conflict at the end of the day when your reserves are low.
To summarize, healthy conflict requires our best energy, our best effort, and our best attitude. Scripture offers many directives on how to engage in healthy communication, the backbone of which is often patience—something we have more of when we are at our best.
“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11)
To engage in conflict when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired is to set yourself up for failure. Make an agreement to only discuss serious issues at the right time, the right place, and in the right way. Then, you will notice the positive change.
Feel free to contact me about conflict and ways to lessen it in your relationship. Please also contact me for advice on Marriage Intensives at The Marriage Recovery Center. We offer complimentary consultations on resources available and will answer questions about what may be needed to assist you in your marriage. Please see more about my work at www.marriagerecoverycenter.com and www.yourrelationshipdoctor.com, sharing your concerns and insights at therelationshipdoctor@gmail.com.
Let’s face it, a blanket cover letter just isn’t going to cut it these days. So how can you make the best use of your time while maximizing your results? Here are a few simple steps to customizing your cover letters.
A MEMORABLE OPENER
Here’s a mistake I see more and more job seekers making: the opening line on their cover letter reads, “Please accept this in response to the (position) advertised on month day, year …” What’s wrong with this kind of opening line? Everyone uses it. The point of your job search is to stand out from the crowd—not get lost in the midst of it. Instead, try using something similar to your branding statement. You can easily tweak your branding statement to be a customized opening line.
For example: With more than 10 years of profit-driven project management expertise …
What’s different about this opening line? I’m already addressing the company’s need for a bottom-line-driven project manager; sharing my years of experience; and hitting the job title on the dot. That’s three big points you’ve scored in the first line alone.
FACTS THAT SUPPORT REQUIREMENTS
After you’ve written your opening lines (which express your interest in the position and introduce you to the prospective employer) immediately jump into how you can meet the organization’s needs based on the requirements the company posted in its online ad or job description.
“I see you are interested in hiring someone with strategic-change management experience.” (Or whatever the key requirement of the position is—highlight it here). Then tell—or even better, SHOW—the reader why you have that experience: “In my present role with ABC Distributors, I did XYZ, which resulted in JKL.” Showing the potential employer—right off the bat—that you possess a desired attribute or requirement for the position will prompt the hiring manager to invest more time in reading your resume. If your cover letter states—in so many words—“I am the perfect match for your opening, and I can meet/exceed your needs …” then you immediately get my attention, and I’m more likely to invest time in reviewing your resume.
Here’s a tip: do not use bullet points or material word-for-word from your resume; provide the hiring manager with fresh information on your cover letter.
DETAILS ARE IMPORTANT
Here are a few small details to remember when crafting a cover letter to fit a specific opening:
-Make sure that your cover letter heading matches your resume’s.
-Include your branding statement with your header at the top of your cover letter. It enforces your brand and provides a polished touch.
-Include a quote from a former employer if relevant and hard-hitting. This is a great way to “sell” what you’re capable of accomplishing for an organization. If the prospective employer has a specific requirement in its job ad—and you’ve already done that somewhere else and have a great recommendation or quote from a previous supervisor to back it up—WOW!! There really isn’t any better sales/marketing material than that. Not much can beat a quote about your results.
CLOSE WITH CONTACT
Always offer at the close of your letter to follow up with the employer/hiring manager via phone, e-mail, snail mail, whatever … within a specific time frame (be it one week or two or whenever). Also, be sure to include your contact information so they can reach out to you. Keep the closing professional, polished, and concise. You don’t want to appear desperate or unprofessional.
